Looking at the picture above, and the post title, you may think that I’ve chosen some kind of paradox.
How can you embrace something that is so unwanted? Who wants to be lonely?
Firstly, let me point out that everyone will experience a period of loneliness in their lives; such is life that you must experience the bad as well as the good.
Loneliness is a learning curve, where we must work through it in order to truly appreciate the relationships of our lives. Indeed, I’d go as far as say that, sometimes, we have to be alone.
Yes, you read that right, we have to be alone at some points of our lives.
Why? Because it’s when we aren’t distracted by other people, when we aren’t in a position to focus on loving others, that we have the best opportunity to truly focus on ourselves.
You can’t reflect on the past when you’re talking with someone, you can’t plan for the future when you’re with a group of people.
Loneliness is the universe’s way of saying to you, “You need some time out for yourself.”
My Experience
About 4 years ago, I was suffering a period of loneliness. I was single, my parents made my decisions for me, and I had few friends to rely on.
I was pretty much a recluse, and though I told myself I enjoyed the comfortable life, deep down, I knew I was very lonely indeed.
I can’t remember how long this period lasted, but about Christmas 2007, I started to come out of my shell after reading a self-help book that changed the way I viewed things.
The years moved on and I grew rapidly to become the person I am today. But the point is that I had to experience that low of loneliness before I could appreciate the highs of today.
It’s the same with everyone – as with the caterpillar, we need to become a cocoon before we can become a butterfly, and we need to accept and move through loneliness before we can appreciate our relationships with others.
What Can You Do?
As this time of loneliness often just happens to us, usually without warning, how can we embrace this dark and disturbing time?
How can we consciously make the most of loneliness whilst it’s here?
Allow me to show you how:
1. Take The Time To Reflect
What has happened in your life so far? How did you come to be in this lonely period?
Asking questions like these whilst reflecting on what has been will help you evaluate your life situation so far.
It’s during these quiet periods that you can truly find yourself, and realise why loneliness has come to you at that particular period.
2. Look At What’s Truly Important
If you aren’t talking with a certain friend anymore, then is it as bad as it first seems?
What I mean is, was that person holding you back or affecting you in some way? If they were, then perhaps it was the universe’s way of assisting you?
Removing one friend to make way for another may be the answer, and it’s what benefits you and your well-being that is most important in your life at this time.
2. Reflect on What Makes You Happy
Seriously, what does make you happy? Do you have a hobby that you love doing?
If so, and you’ve stopped doing it, then why? Surely this hobby can help you through the dark days of loneliness, and encourage you to keep going.
If you don’t have a hobby, then what is it that makes you happy?
Even when lonely, there’s always something that makes you happy; people are always capable of feeling happiness. So find what makes you happy, and dedicate yourself to it.
3. Try Something New
Loneliness is about change, changing into a new way of life. So, by default, new things need to happen.
Why wait for these new and exciting things to come to you? Why not go out and try new things, that will broaden your horizons and help you realise that life isn’t really that bad?
Stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new experiences will create a whole world of possibilities for you, and enable you to take the next step in your life.
What Does It All Mean?
Loneliness can often be a struggle, a confusing time where we aren’t sure of our own identity and purpose. We can often wonder if there’ll ever be an end to our suffering, and we can’t conceive of any way out.
But everything comes to an end in this world, the good and the bad (and the ugly).
Loneliness is there for a specific purpose – as odd as it sounds, it’s there for your benefit.
I hope I’ve helped you to realise that this loneliness is not worthless, but ultimately helpful to you. By working through the cocoon, you’ll soon become a butterfly of this world!
Wishing you all an amazing year of blossoming.
Aw, it looks amazing displayed in the open 😉
Thanks for giving me this opportunity Arvind, I truly appreciate it 🙂
Stuart – you are most welcome!
Thanks for a great guest post – and I wish you all the best on your blogging journey.
I turned my loneliness into some of my best songs, channelling the feelings into music and words. They then became external, something valuable but separate from me and helped me become free.
Ayd, what a great way of overcoming loneliness!
Through your songs you are also able to inspire others to become free.
All the best for 2011 – I hope to see more of you this year:-)
Great to hear Ayd, if we can move past our negative experiences, and channel them through to ‘clear out our souls’, we can move forward with our lives.
Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Loneliness is a valuable process Stuart, I agree. Some 10 years ago I wanted to leave the planet but a period of self-enquired loneliness and reflection led me to the great life I now have. I learnt to feel, love, respect, and have gratitude, all thanks to those ‘lonely’ days that introduced me to me. Bravo for a brave and wise post. Keep the vibe alive amigo!
Thanks John, a pleasure to hear your words!
It’s the lonely days that make you most aware of yourself, and what you truly are. Once you embrace yourself, you gain a knowledge and depth that will never leave you, no matter what 🙂
Wonderful and thoughtful post Stuart. I really related to the five points you talk about here, especially the idea that loneliness has a purpose.
After my first marriage fell apart I moved to a small town in the bush and spent two years there. The first 6 months, or so, of that time was a lot of just being with my hurt, and loneliness, and letting it be what it was.
The second 18 months was a wonderful period of enjoying and exploring my aloneness, it was a really fruitful time of reconnecting with myself, and giving myself lots of space, and bush-walks, and time for making art.
Being with my loneliness was a really good preparation for appreciating being alone with myself.
cheers
Wow Dave, that’s amazing to hear! 18 months can seem like a daunting time, but I’m glad you pulled through it with the best results.
Spending time away from the modern life can work wonders in this day and age 🙂
I definitely think loneliness is a great experience and opportunity to learn more about oneself, especially about non-attachment. If we resist loneliness and need to rely on others for comfort, and validation, when we lose someone we love (which will happen eventually), we won’t be in a good position to cope.
Indeed, if we can’t cope with the idea of ourselves, then how can we cope with the loss of others?
Thanks for the thoughts Dr Natura 🙂
Hello Stuart,
I agree, we all have periods of lonliness and we can either let it drag us down or use it to reflect and push us forwards. I think when I went through a stage of being desperately lonely it was because I needed to learn to open up. I always kept everything bottled up, even my family and close friends had no idea what I was thinking or feeling and I learnt that talking about things isn’t so bad!
I’m sure everyones lesson is different but there is a lesson there somewhere:)
Hi Kate, thanks for commenting!
I used to be like you, keeping things bottled up and not thinking that anyone would have genuine concern for you. But that’s not true; we need to connect with others, to feel that interdependence between ourselves 🙂
Stuart, this is an excellent post on a subject that’s often hard to talk about. We all have a need for love. Loneliness is a season that is dark for many people – someone just out of a relationship, someone who has lost a loved one. Those people certainly need time to grieve. But don’t live there. Being alone is not the same as loneliness, and it can be a time to truly explore new things about yourself.
For a year before I got married, my wife returned to Europe to be with her family and make plans for our wedding. It was very lonely, and I could have stayed there, but I decided to learn to expand my own horizons. I started some new things – stand-up comedy (which I wasn’t great at but it was a lot of fun), and I read a lot! I soon learned to enjoy “the pleasure of my company” as Steve Martin says.
Bryan! Great to see you amigo, thanks for offering your thoughts!
No idea you tried stand-up comedy, you’re a man of many talents! Great to hear that you moved forward from your tough times 🙂
this is a very apt blog. I have come through the depths of loneliness in recent years, and it is a tough walk through a barren landscape. I didn’t think I was ever going to get to the other side, but I did, and here I am. Perseverance is key, but it does serve a tremendous purpose for growth as you say.
hey how do you get a real profile pic up with your comments?
Hi Holly, thanks for the insights. To persevere is to grow 🙂
I used Gravatar, with a photo of myself that I took myself. Check out their website: http://www.gravatar.com
I think there’s a difference between loneliness and alone time. I’ve never experienced prolonged loneliness but I know that I’ve benefited greatly from alone time – I need that time to reflect.
Hi Marnie,
I believe that alone time is something that everyone needs on a daily basis, whereas loneliness is something that only happens a handful of times, and is often life-changing.
Hope that helps 🙂
Stuart,
I believe having peaceful solitude is an important part of developing spiritually and mentally. I find I’m most creative and energized when I’m alone. Loniliness, can be troubling though, but I agree with you that it can offer us new insights about life and what we value most. I don’t often feel lonely, but I went through a time when it was more natural to be alone, though I was still seeking the company of thers. This was an important time for me to reflect on who I was and what I wanted from life. I also learned how important many relationships were to me.
Hi Joe, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
I agree with you when you say loneliness is sometimes best for us, even when we aren’t actually lonely. Reflection, even for a few minutes a day, will help us become better people in the long-run 🙂
Stuart, I love the idea of embracing loneliness. I too, even recently have experienced that loneliness and I realised I was focussed on me, me me me, myself, my needs, my desires, why aren’t my goals being fulfilled. etc. so I decided to make a U turn. When I was lonely I reached out to others to help them with their loneliness, I listen to them, allowed them to share…and guess what? I didn’t feel lonely anymore.
Fab post Stuart!
Hey Amit, thanks for stopping by my friend!
Glad you were able to use your wisdom and experience to help others; after all, what are we here for if not to help others?
Take care my friend 🙂
Hi Stuart,
Awesome advice and wisdom you share here on Arvind’s site.
I totally agree, loneliness can be both very much needed from time to time and very beneficial. I know in my life, I went through a series of not-in-sync-with-me “boyfriend” relationships until I said enough – I would rather be single, than miserable with a partner.
I took a period of about 2 years where I almost did not date at all and even though it was not always easy, I worked on myself, I reflected, I took time to heal, only to be complete when I met my present day husband.
If we find ways to positively embrace it, loneliness can make us much better beings, and give us much more meaningful relationships when we do choose to be in them.
Hi Evita, thanks for sharing.
Glad you worked through your hard times, and you kept going until you met your husband.
It’s true, loneliness can lead us to a much brighter future if we use the period wisely 🙂
Loneliness is a god’s grace for some one……others it feel a bad occasion….
A timely post. I will be retiring in May and I know I will deeply miss the work friendships I have. As I said to three colleagues/friends I have worked with for 20 years, they are my primary adult relationships! I have good friends and a social life outside of work, but as a single person, my friends at work are the people I see on a daily basis.
So while I am excited about retiring (even though I have loved my job I’m ready to move on to other things), I anticipate that I will have a sinking period after I leave, a time of transition and discovering myself in my alone time.
Thanks for the good advice and perspective.
Thanks Galen, glad I could help out. Best of luck with your retirement, I’m sure it’ll be a special moment 🙂
I know that loneliness is different for everyone. But ‘being alone’ is a good thing. It helps me appreciate the quiet, the feeling on non-disturbance, the ability to spend time how I would like.
But I know that true loneliness is a different thing. Knowing that days will go by seeing no-one, speaking to no-one, must be soul destroying. I guess being alone is all about getting the ‘balance’ right.
Writing is a soiltary pursuit and sometimes I do feel like I’m on my own. But then I realise that I have so many ‘pen’ (or in my case ‘pencil’) friends all around the world from the blogosphere.
There is a cure for true loneliness. And I’m sure it doesn’t happen overnight.
Very true Linda, no cure that’s worth keeping is going to happen overnight. Thanks for sharing 🙂